Dying Here

Assalam.
hey, guys. What's up? I'm sure you guys are enjoying the holiday, the summers and Christmas , right? Well, BTW enjoy! while I'm slowly suffer inside my own house. It's been a month now that I become a 'maid'. i getting used to it now, except the emotional. When all goes mad, I become madness! My brain become chaos! Now, listening to my sister sigh heavily and grumpily makes me want to slap her face!!! I was running around the house like crazy girl. I need a break! but Hell, no! My boss (mother) wouldn't let me.
I'm not saying she is worse mom, okay!? All of my family doesn't understand me. My so-called-elder-brother doesn't act like a big brother at all!! Right now, he's having a fever and more acting like a stupid brother I ever had! While my sister always with her grumpy mood, makes me want to pull my hair out. I have the least problem with my younger brother and my father. They only makes me angry when they keep pushing me around like doll, no, slave!
Honestly, thank god, I'm good on keeping my anger. I don't mind being a slave in my family, I don't mind being a robot that follow people's order, and most importantly, I don't mind being shadow in my family. I will be slave/robot/shadow IF they UNDERSTAND me. I'm not a slave with muscles, I'm not a robot that can work every seconds, minutes and hours, and I'm not always being shadow that always hiding inside the darkness (even though I like the darkness more). Sometimes, even the shadow want to show itself in the light.
Now, my PMR result are around the corner and every member of my family, and niece, uncles and aunties are looking at me. Some are hoping and waiting for me to be victorious, some are hiding their cruel smile and waiting to see my defeated. I'm freaking out too. IF I fail, I would disappointing my family, especially my father. He said it's okay if i fail now but I won't accept if I fail. His brother-in-law (my uncle) would very happy if I fail or have a low grads than her daughter. He think their family is the best. Hah! F#ck off! Now my parents want me to get straight A because they want to show that my family is the best too. It's call using someone, but hey, I'm so sick of that man!
Okay, I think I confess a lot now. I need to keep some of my, secrets insides me. Even the secrets are burning inside me, suffocating me, killing me, I still need it to be myself. People said it's dangerous to keep Secrets for a long time but for me, secrets if like drug. I willing to keep it to myself, even though it harms me. I guess it for today. Gudnight.


LadyShadoWish